Bella DePaulo, “Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After”:

My take on single people goes something like this. Adults qualify as single by just one criterion: They do not have a serious coupled relationship. Most other beliefs about singlehood are misconceptions.

For starters, singlehood cannot be equated with living alone or feeling alone. Many singles live with other people, such as friends, roommates, children, or other relatives. Many who do live alone are living exactly as they wish.

By definition, people who are currently single do not have a serious sexual partnership; typically, though, they do have close and enduring relationships—usually several of them. This is especially so for single women. Being single does not necessarily mean having no sex, having a great deal of sex, wanting a great deal of sex, or having sex with lots of different partners. Not all singletons are seeking a mate or wishing they had one.

Rather than leading empty, boring, or meaningless lives, singles who have the means and the motivation to do so can go where their talents and interests take them. When singles are rewarded less generously than married people, discrimination is often the explanation.

My myth-busting story about single people comes packaged with a parallel story about people who are coupled. That one goes like this: Having a serious coupled relationship does not guarantee that you will not live alone or feel alone. It does not ensure that your relationship will be monogamous, that you will enjoy exactly the amount and kind of sex that you prefer, or that sex will never be an issue in your life. It does not mean that neither you nor your mate is looking for another partner.

The mythological view of singlehood and coupledom has been propped up by chicanery. Think about how people talk about their marriages that did not work out. "I was too young," they say. Or "I had bad judgment. I read people better now." Or maybe "I married for all the wrong reasons back then. This time I'll get it right." These talking points, and many more like them, all have one thing in common: They keep the special place of marriage safe and protected.

When individual marriages prove disappointing, the crestfallen spouses do not blame the institution of marriage, nor the intensive and insular way that marriage is practiced these days. Instead, they and their fellow Americans look for something much more fixable, like flawed choices, that can be pinned on imperfect individuals rather than on a faulty institution.

The reigning marital mythology tries to goad us all into following the same life path: Get married, have children, stay married. But when it comes to humans, one size never fits all. The intensive coupling that works for some would be stifling to those who thrive on generous portions of solitude.

Family life can be boring or distracting to those whose passion is the single-minded pursuit of scientific discovery or social justice. People who would like to have a spouse as well as passionate friendships might wish they lived in a time when the two were considered more compatible.

The mythology of singlehood has its own set of slick supports. There are, of course, the predictable verbal tricks. If you have siblings, colleagues, mentors, and lifelong friends, you are "alone." If you have no one but a partner in coupledom, you "have someone." Are you generous to friends, family, or the community? Maybe you are just trying to make yourself feel better.

If you can disentangle yourself from the insinuation that your life is dark and dreary, then you need to step gingerly around the next suggestion—that all you have is a wisp of a life, incredibly light and insignificant. If you insist that your life has meaning, the mythology will stalk you to the end of your days with the threat that you will die alone.

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