‘Well, I think we all picked up on the tension there, Chloe.’ Jane cocks her head sympathetically. ‘Not a happy track record, hey? And from what I gather, your most recent ex-boyfriend cheated on you?’

‘Hmm, yes,’ I grimace, glancing around in panic.

‘Don’t worry, he didn’t want to join us today,’ Henry assures me. ‘Typical man, ruled by his you-know-what.’ He chuckles indulgently and I feel a spike of irritation.

‘I don’t think men are any more highly sexed than women.’

‘Uh oh, watch out, we got ourselves a bra-burner here.’ Henry nudges Jane.

‘Hmm, would you say your wedding is a “feminist” statement, Chloe?’ Jane makes air quotes with her fingers.

‘Well, years ago, a woman had to marry to survive and then she became the property of her husband.’ I wrinkle my nose. ‘So, I guess marrying myself could be seen as a protest against the patriarchy.’

‘Oh, honestly.’ Henry tuts. ‘What does “patriarchy” even mean?’

‘It’s a system of society where men hold the majority of power,’ I explain.

‘Yes, but …’ Henry blusters. ‘It’s all a load of nonsense really.’

‘I think what Henry’s trying to say is that women are much more liberated these days.’ Jane attempts diplomacy.

‘We are,’ I agree. ‘But single women are way more stigmatised than men. I mean, there’re plenty of “eligible bachelors” out there but how many “eligible spinsters”?’

‘Hmm, “spinster” is rather an ugly word.’ Jane’s blue eyes suddenly flash. ‘It’s not really surprising, is it? There’s a lot of pressure on women: we have to look beautiful, be willing in the bedroom, act like a good wife, bring up the family, age well—’

‘Yes, yes, Jane, we know all that,’ Henry interrupts, rolling his eyes.

‘Don’t dismiss me, Henry!’ Jane shrieks and he holds up placating hands.

‘I’m not dismissing you, I’m just saying that surely marrying yourself shouldn’t exclude men, otherwise that would be sexist! Chloe, do you think a man could marry himself?’

‘Of course men could do it too; I’m all for equality, and self-love is genderless.’ I smile at him. ‘And, if anything, society makes it harder for men to express their emotions, so it’d be great to see them openly love themselves. How about it, Henry?’

‘Ah, no, I don’t think so.’ Henry shakes his head as Jane hoots with laughter.

‘OK, so maybe we do all need to love ourselves, Chloe,’ Jane concedes. ‘And I see why you broke up with the exes we’ve just met. But don’t you ever want another man?’

‘I’m not saying I don’t want men in my life. I just think truly loving myself gives me a strong foundation for all other relationships. And hopefully I’m less likely to pick blokes that aren’t good for me.’ I give her a meaningful look.

‘So would you divorce yourself if you wanted to marry another person?’ asks Henry.

‘Nope, divorce isn’t an option.’ I shake my head. ‘It’d mean I couldn’t live with myself, which is pretty dark.’

‘Hmm, I think I’m coming around to your way of thinking here, Chloe,’ Henry says, glancing at the autocue. ‘If you marry yourself, you get to watch whatever you want on TV plus you don’t have a partner nagging you all the time. Ow!’ He flinches as Jane gives him a slightly-harder-than-mock punch.

‘And at least you won’t be disappointed in the bedroom.’ He wiggles his eyebrows at me suggestively and I look at him open-mouthed. I remember Bianca telling me to give as good as I get so I quickly match his smirk.

‘True words, Henry – I’ve never had any trouble pleasuring myself,’ I say, taking a demure sip of water.

Henry’s eyes goggle and Jane makes a little choking noise. I’m aware of some movement on the studio floor and a camera zooms closer to my face.

‘Ahem, oh dear. That was your fault, Henry, lowering the tone as usual.’ Jane takes over as Henry still looks a bit paralysed. ‘Thank you very much for sharing your story, Chloe, we wish you all the best in your marriage … to yourself. Now we’re going to the weather and we’ll be back with you in just a jiffy.’

The camera pans out and Henry lets out a long noisy breath.