Sophie Tanner, «Reader I Married Me»:

I look through the glass and see the Breakfast with Britain set, with its grey sofas, lime cushions, black and white floor tiles and large window overlooking the Thames.

The studio floor is buzzing with activity; people move lighting rigs, fiddle with cameras, bend over monitors and, oh God, there’s Henry and Jane walking through from the kitchen area.

I sit on the sofa and cross my legs tightly to stop my bladder bursting, then uncross them as I realise my dress is riding too high. A camera to my left swoops past me, making me jump, and I stare, startled, at the lens. The overhead lights are dazzling.

Jane smiles brightly as a camera moves closer and a loud jangled soundtrack starts playing. ‘Hello and welcome back to Strange but True – where we talk to the slightly-less-than-normal people of Britain!’

‘Many people spend their entire lives searching for “the one”,’ Henry continues. ‘But Chloe Usher, from Brighton, realised that “the one” was right under her nose the whole time. She’s recently caused a stir by announcing that she’s going to marry herself!’ He pulls a comical face and turns to me.

‘So, Chloe, have you always been bonkers?’ he asks conversationally.

‘Haha, probably a bit!’ I lick my dry lips.

‘But seriously, Chloe, even though you do seem a bit odd’ – Jane wipes her eyes – ‘surely you’re not completely unlovable?’

‘Well no, I’m not unlovable; that’s the point,’ I reply.

‘Then why marry yourself?’

‘Because loving yourself is as important as having other people love you.’

‘You must’ve had terribly bad luck with men if they’ve driven you to this!’ Jane jives her shoulders up and down gleefully. ‘We’ve tracked down a few of your exes to find out what the problem is.’

‘What?!’ I turn in my seat as two men emerge from behind the screen at the back of the studio. I breathe out in relief when I see that neither of them is Ant but then recoil as I recognise Dave, the controlling boyfriend I had when I graduated from Goldsmiths, and Monologue Jonny, the guy I dated before I went travelling.

‘Jesus Christ.’ I lace my hands over my head in mortification as they both join me on the sofa.

‘Bit of a blast from the past, hey, Chloe?’ Henry says happily. ‘Welcome, Dave and Jonny. Can you tell us briefly what it was like going out with Chloe here?’

‘She was away with the fairies,’ Dave grunts immediately. I glance sideways at him; age has not treated him well. He’s shaved his head and put on about two stone. Broken veins cluster around his bulbous nose and his neck seems shorter. ‘Gallivanting about, chatting to any Tom, Dick or Harry.’

‘Oh, please! You’d have kept me locked up if you had your way,’ I retort. ‘I was only trying to escape your temper.’

‘I don’t have a temper!’ Dave bangs a meaty fist into his palm.

‘Oops, hope we’re not going to need to call the security guards,’ Jane titters, flicking a glance towards the studio floor. ‘What about you, Jonny? Why didn’t you and Chloe work out?’

Jonny purses his lips and scoops his lank hair behind his ears. He’s looking geekier than ever in thick-rimmed glasses and a diamond-print cardigan. ‘Well, the truth is, Chloe never really listened to me. I remember once I was telling her friends about the time I chased off a real bear from my campsite in Canada and Chloe actually told me to shut up. Very rude – it was one of the most thrilling times of my life; I can tell you now if you like …?’

‘No, that’s OK, Jonny,’ Henry cuts in hastily. ‘We get the picture. What do you boys think of Chloe’s decision to marry herself?’

‘I’m not surprised – she’s clearly still very self-involved,’ Jonny observes primly, pleating his cardigan in his lap.

‘Says the man who loves the sound of his own voice so much he’s lost all social awareness,’ I scoff, looking around wildly for an escape route. I don’t think I can take much more of this, live television or not.

I think Henry and Jane sense that I might bolt because they quickly wrap up their questions and send my exes off back behind the screen.