«Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex» by Angela Chen:

“No means no” and “yes means yes” are false binaries. These popular models of consent offer only two options. An overhaul to thinking about consent will require many changes in perspective, beginning with the necessity of thinking instead about different levels of willingness.

One useful tool is a framework created by sex researcher Emily Nagoski, author of «Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life», and amended by aces.

Nagoski suggests using the categories of enthusiastic, willing, unwilling, and coerced consent, although the last two are consent mostly in the extremely literal sense that someone did not yell out “no.”

ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT:
When I want you
When I don’t fear the consequences of saying yes OR saying no
When saying no means missing out on something I want

WILLING CONSENT:
When I care about you though I don’t desire you (right now)
When I’m pretty sure saying yes will have an okay result and I think maybe that I’d regret saying no
When I believe that desire may begin after I say yes

UNWILLING CONSENT:
When I fear the consequences of saying no more than I fear the consequences of saying yes
When I feel not just an absence of desire but an absence of desire for desire
When I hope that by saying yes, you will stop bothering me, or think that if I say no you’ll only keep on trying to persuade me

COERCED CONSENT:
When you threaten me with harmful consequences if I say no
When I feel I’ll be hurt if I say yes, but I’ll be hurt more if I say no
When saying yes means experiencing something I actively dread

Nagoski’s model is better than “no means no,” which assumes that someone is saying yes unless otherwise stated. Unlike models that emphasize enthusiastic consent (“yes means yes”), it doesn’t imply that aces who can’t give enthusiastic consent are unable to consent at all, which would wrongly place us in the same category as children and animals. It expands the “yes means yes” slogan by pointing out all the possible varieties of yes.

Nagoski’s model has been popular in the ace community because it makes room for sex-indifferent or sex-favorable aces and takes into account the practical realities of aces in relationships with allos. The balance between willing and unwilling can be delicate, but distinguishing the two is imperative. “I’m not horny, but I’m glad to have sex to feel closer to my partner” and “I’m not horny, but I said yes so you’d stop pressuring me” both have elements of being consensual but unwanted. Neither is a perfect yes or a perfect no. Nagoski’s model marks them differently, making room for the exceedingly common experience of maintenance sex, or sex for the sake of a relationship.

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