Ironically, this new emphasis on sexuality meant that same-sex behaviors that previously had been perceived as merely affectionate—like holding hands or falling asleep on the breast of your good friend—were now sexualized. This dealt a huge blow to close same-sex friendships, which suddenly became less acceptable as they came to be viewed as a threat to male-female romantic partnership.

“In the early twentieth century [there was] a huge campaign by the so-called experts to wipe out the idea of these girlish crushes that used to be considered perfectly acceptable and kind of fun,” Coontz says. “And men found themselves under suspicion if they walked down the street the way they used to, with an arm around each other’s shoulders.” Women in close relationships with other women could be labeled lesbians—and some of them undoubtedly really were lesbians. This was before the gay rights movement made it safer to come out. It can be really hard to tell which historical bestie pairs were indeed platonic pals, which were, in fact, romantic partners, and which fell somewhere in between.

Some of the old ideas about gender difference persisted, giving a conflicting set of messages to women seeking friendship: get close to other women (you’re built for friendship), but not too close (you don’t want to be seen as lesbians), use those friendships to provide support until the day you find a man to marry, then abandon those relationships on your wedding day, when you will be expected to fully devote yourself to hearth and home. 

Coontz interviewed many women who came of age in the 1950s and ’60s, who told her that their youthful friendships with other women revolved around trying to meet a husband. These women expressed sadness that, once everyone was married off, they had little to talk about with their old friends anymore. “So this was the real low point in the history of female friendships,” Coontz says, “and of course, by that time, male friendships were really off the table. Men were increasingly expected to get any emotional support they needed from their wife, not from other men.” 

By the 1970s and ’80s, as middle-class women returned to the workforce and sought political and economic equality, they began to reject the idea that they should abandon their friendships upon getting married. And people of all genders started figuring out how passionate romantic love could coexist with passionate friendship bonds.

It’s pretty clear to us that, as a society, we are still working on this. We are trying to let go of a lot of outdated ideas about what it means to be a man or a woman, a friend or a spouse. On a personal level, the two of us have always wanted to be independent women who don’t center our conversations on men. We want people of every gender to be free to feel the expansive joy of intimate friendships. We want to have a supportive network of friends, fulfilling romantic relationships, and strong family bonds—while still charting our own course in the world.

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