In her dissertation on best friendships, communications professor Emily Langan studied whether attachment theory—a way of describing how children bond with their parents—might also apply to platonic intimate relationships. She received “massive pushback” from her colleagues, who argued that this kind of attachment exists only in families. 

Langan, however, says that close friendships have some characteristics that aren’t so different from stable families. First, friends who are attached have a desire to see a lot of each other and know what’s going on in each other’s lives. Second, the friends provide a secure base for each other—meaning the friendship allows them to go out and explore other friendships, romantic relationships, new jobs, anything that might feel scary but ultimately positive, because they can look over their shoulder and know their friend is there for them. And third, they offer each other a safe harbor. When things go wrong for one friend, the other loyally and dependably steps up to offer support.

It’s funny that high school, college, and the first years of adulthood are all identified as being formational years. Because for us, our late 20s and early 30s also represented a pretty radical amount of growth into our adult selves. We had achieved escape velocity from our upbringings and established a toehold in our careers, and we were starting to figure out adulthood. How do you want to live? Who do you want to be? These were questions we were answering together.

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