In a New Yorker essay published the year we met, the humorist David Sedaris wrote about the “four burners” theory of life priorities. He learned this metaphor from a woman he considered successful and happy. The woman explained that life was like a stovetop: “One burner represents your family, one is your friends, the third is your health, and the fourth is your work.” 

In this metaphor, your stove can’t run for long with all four burners going. In order to be successful, you have to switch off one of the burners. And if you want to be really successful, you have to pick just two to keep lit. Few of us have the luxury of switching off work. For many people, switching off family is unthinkable. And switching off health is unsustainable, to say the least. So, for most people, the “friends” burner is the first to go.

The stove metaphor might describe how some time-strapped adults think of their lives, but it only takes into account your energy output, not what you receive in return from each of these important areas of life. Although the metaphor makes it seem very clear, our lives are not as easily separated into pots that can be placed on separate burners. Extinguishing friendship has consequences for every other aspect of life. 

Without Shine Theory, it’s harder to keep your work burner lit or find support when you’re leveling up professionally or suffering a setback. Without friends, it’s much harder to get through periods of family transition, like the death of a parent, the arrival of a baby, or an estrangement from a sibling.

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